Wednesday, September 27, 2006

The Life and Times of Robert Murray

Yesterday I began Googling the names of people I know *don't pretend you don't do it,* because I was bored. Typically, I just Google someone's name and see if I can actually find a reference to the person I know. Yesterday, however, I became bored with this more quickly than usual and was about to give up when I had an epiphany. I should use Google Images to find PICTURES of friends and loved ones. This yielded an endless amount of entertainment, for I did not actually find pictures of people I know, but pictures of their dopplegangers instead.

My boyfriend's name is Robert Murray. Below is his story, told with images from Google and a little creativity on my part. Remember, all pictures are of "Robert Murray."

The Life and Times of Robert Murray
as told by Robert Murray

I was born a poor Ukrainian child. My mother stayed at home with me and my five brothers. I rarely saw my father. He worked long and hard to support our family.

When I became old enough, I started ice skating for money. The first few gigs were free, but when they realized my talent, they started throwing money at me. People knew my name and it felt good.

Ukraine had grown too small for Robert Murray. Or had I grown too big for it? I needed more space, new scenery, a big pond. My big pond was called the USA. I had dreams of becoming a male model. I moved to Florida, shaved my head, and became very tan. I was pursuing the American Dream.

This picture is from the only shoot I worked when I was young. It was a cologne ad with a reminiscent feel, a memory of days gone by. They said I was too genuine, too enthusiastic and they called me fat.

I had hit rock bottom. I developed an eating disorder and an affinity for facial hair. I wanted to throw myself in front of a train. I became a school teacher.

That year teaching gave me inexplicable joy. I loved my students the way I've never loved anyone before. It made me reevaluate my life. It made me question everything I knew. It made me realize that there is a place for middle aged men in the modeling world.

The work was a little slow at first, but then it came more and more. Life is so good when you are in a glamour profession. Everything is available for your consumption. The world is your oyster.

The older I get, the more work I get. Period. Here I am modeling JC Penny's "Summer Sunsets" line.

When I was a small child in the Ukraine living with my large, impoverished family, I don't think I could even imagine this kind of success. No, I don't talk to my family much. No, I have never been married. No, I can't afford that hip replacement. But what's the big deal? I'm livin' the life. La vida loca! This is it people. This. Is. IT.


James said...

In that last picture where is he? Sullivan's Island?

Suzy. said...

Nope...Pawley's Island...close though...james you do know your SC beaches.

Robert Murray said...

I should point out that those were my own pants in the "Summer Sunsets" shoot. Those cheap bastards didn't front anything. And the worst per diem I've ever seen. I'm going back to modeling underwear...

Suzy. said...

It is funny because it's true...*not the summer sunsets part, but the modeling underwear* i can find those photos and post em.

Tamron Lohan said...

HILARIOUS!!!! so cute!