Friday, October 20, 2006

Recent Reminders of the Constant Passage of Time

Today it was cold when I got off work. The standing air was still warm, but I could feel a sharp chill in the wind. There is something about subtly drastic changes in the weather that make me very sentimental. I evaluate my life quantitatively, almost like a quarterly business report: where am I, what am I doing, how did I get here, where will I go, should I wear better shoes? I usually end up with more questions than I do answers. But that is refreshing in itself, I suppose.

I have an hour long subway ride home from work everyday. Today a rather large, older man sat down next to me at the 42nd street stop. He was whistling. The tune was excrutiatingly familial; something I recognized from my childhood, associated with my grandma. He was a beautiful whistler. His song grew softer and slower and then stopped completely. He lulled himself to sleep. Almost in tears, I wanted to hug him all the way home.

I was given a very tedious project at work Tuesday that took up most of my day. The instructions were simple: "use a paper cutter to cut down sheets of paper with the updated prices for the catalog, which would then be pasted into the catalogs. (Not by me. That would be sadistic.) Do this 2400 times." My eyes began to blur, my brain turned off, I became a machine. I went home in a complete fog. I don't remember the subway ride.

I read an article in this month's issue of Harper's on the subway yesterday. A woman was recounting the descent of her grandmother from an active being into an inert mass of flesh. She told passionate tales of Saturday night dances and dress making with sisters, which were promptly rebutted with scenes of delirium and terror when the grocery store, and her own living space, became unfamiliar. She slowly began to lose her vocabulary. She forgot her loves, one by one. Her life was erased in her own mind.

I have been very melancholy lately. I am extremely content in my new job and am generally happy all around. i just feel more aware of my surroundings. i notice the details that make my life unique from everyone else's life. i'm terrified of growing old, feeling like i've wasted my life and losing those i hold most dear. I'm not sure what it is about autumn that makes me feel this way. i think it could be the leaves.


Dorothy said...

Im enjoying your blog! However, it does make me miss you! You and your mom are adorable! You coming to the South for Christmas?

johny? jonny? i dont know how to spell it said...

you know what i have as a reminder of the passage of time? hehe... how often i check to see if you have a new blog up, but its still the same one. hope everything's great...